Even though I knew that my ITD assignment for Lesson 2 was due today, January 21st, it didn’t register with me until I was at work and had to check my calendar to see what today’s date was, that I ‘remembered’. I immediately went into my head and got lost in thought for a few minutes: ‘fretting’ over which two days to send; that I hadn’t written ‘every’ night; I had allowed myself to get distracted and spent too much time on facebook and watching videos instead of writing; that on many of those days I did write, I had just written ‘stories’ about my day from the observer’s perspective instead of actually doing self-directive writing, being specific about a point; and, ‘wondering’ if I really had anything ‘good enough’ to submit in order to ‘pass’. I ‘finally’ came to my senses and, had to stop. I mean, wtf? I know better than to allow myself to get ‘lost in thought’.
I realize that I was reacting similar to how I reacted when big assignments were due when I was a kid. I’ve been guilty of procrastinating on assignments, or projects, since I was in grade school. I was one of those kids that would tell my parents I needed a poster board for a project or, typing paper for a report, that was due the next day. And, I would endure the ensuing lecture(s). I put stuff off through grade school, high school and college and, would have this fear that I wouldn’t make a good enough grade on it, because my parents expected me to make good grades. Writing this, now, I realize that the same behavior carried over to my adult life, as I have this tendency to wait ‘til the last minute at work, too.
How was it that this behavior pattern of mine came to be? This pattern of procrastination, fear and self judgment has repeated itself many, many times throughout my life. Self-honestly looking at it, this pattern likely began as a subconscious desire for attention. My parents had to spread their attention around, with 12 children in the family and, negative attention was still attention. I’m certain that my apathetic attitude toward school work was a contributor, as well. I was much more interested in playing and doing other things that I could ‘justify’, in my mind, as important, at the time.
So, I’ve participated within and as this self defeating pattern of behavior for so long that it has become ‘part’ of me. I have accepted and allowed it to become part of my definition of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate, putting things off ‘til the last minute, and justifying this behavior as being okay because I was spending time doing other things that I deemed as important, instead of taking responsibility and managing my time in a way that I can accomplish everything required of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a procrastinator.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear and judgment regarding turning in my assignment, instead of realizing that, in turning it in, I will receive assistance and support in becoming more effective at self-directive writing.
I dedicate myself to Writing Myself to Freedom every day, no matter if it’s required as a lesson assignment or, not, so that I can assist and support myself in being self-directive within my process…