Today, I was talking to a guy about how his business was doing and in the conversation, his uncle, Ned’s name came up. Ned died several years ago and Scotty had taken over the business. Ned was one of few people that I had considered to be a true friend. Scotty told me he had been visiting with his aunt, recently, and that she had told him that Ned really had only about three people that he considered to be real friends and, that I was one of the three. In that moment, I experienced this feeling/emotion of ‘missing’ Ned. It caught me off-guard, this feeling. And, in that moment, I realized that I have suppressed sadness within me, that I need to investigate.
Here, I have always been one of those people that would ‘project’ myself as being strong and stable and, I ‘felt’ this ‘emotion’ – inside of me – I could have cried if I would have allowed myself to. I also ‘felt’ flattered, in a way, because I knew that Ned had known a lot of people and, for his wife to actually say that I was one of only three people… I had always thought he was joking when, leaving, he’d tell me: ”it’s been an honor and a privilege” after we’d had one of our talks… And I’d reply, in all seriousness, that it was for me, too. He was that kind of person. And, his sudden death had been a shock to me and everyone that knew him.
So, where had this suppression of feelings and emotions begun, in my life? Growing up in a family of 12 children – the 6th of eight boys, then four girls – to parents that grew up in the great depression and WWII, I ‘learned’ that ‘boys/men don’t cry’. That’s how my generation was raised. Boys/men were ‘supposed’ to be ‘tougher’ than girls/women and, crying was a sign of weakness. I remember hiding my tears when we went to the drive-in movie theater to see Bambi when I was about 5 years old. I didn’t want any of my older brothers to see me cry because I was afraid they’d laugh and make fun of me. I did the same thing when we saw Old Yeller. Even when we played outside, if anyone cried from falling or getting knocked down, we couldn’t play – whatever it was we were doing at the time – anymore. We had to learn to be ‘tough’. So, this outward projection of ‘toughness’ and, ‘confidence in myself’, became part of my definition of me. This persona carried over to participation in sports – football and wrestling – as I grew up. It influenced how I treated my younger siblings when I was left “in charge’, babysitting for them. It influenced how I raised my own children. It influenced how I treated my fellow humans when I became a supervisor and manager – as a ‘boss’- in my working life – being fair, but ‘tough’ and demanding. And, it influenced how I defined myself within my relationships and marriages.
To be continued…
Yesterday I recognized and realized that I have suppressed the emotion of sadness since I was a child, through the memories of experiences where I learned to suppress the expression of myself in order to conform to the expectation/programming, that boys/men ‘don’t cry’. These past memories I have used to define myself, and those memories float around in my mind as thoughts to keep me enslaved to the mind consciousness system, and have affected my actions in dealing with others and, controlled and suppressed my true self-expression. These manifested in my personality/definition of myself as presenting myself to be ‘tough’, and ‘strong’, and ‘dependable’, and ‘responsible’.
While pondering these points and considering how to face these points through self-forgiveness, my left knee started hurting, today. Remembering that Veno’s Structural Resonance articles specifically address the knee as he presented the structural resonance functions of different parts of our bodies, I did a search on the Desteni website for ‘knee’ and found the topic.
“So, the knee points represent The Now of Consciousness System within the structural resonance system which assists with human beings enslavement within the past as memories – according to which they have used to define ‘who they are’ within the System. This Now of Consciousness System within the KNEE points is so developed within and as the structural resonance which human beings use to define ‘who they are’ within the System – that it’s ‘who they are’ within the System that continuously exist in the past, past experiences as contained memories and the reason the expression of the world is what it is in this moment.” Veno
It seems as though this physical body was assisting me through the pain in my knee, to address those memories that accumulated and manifested as this personality that I have projected. Since it’s my left knee, and the left side of my body represents the ‘female’ half – those dormant characteristics inherited from my mother – I now surmise that the pain is tied to suppression of the expression of my ‘feminine’ side – ‘crying’ being associated with the ‘softer’, or more ‘sensitive’, characteristics.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as past memories.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as past memories where I suppressed my true expression in the moment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself due to fear of judgment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as needing to appear to be ‘tough’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest this ‘tough’ projection of myself in dealing with others and, expecting others to not only accept this definition of myself as ‘tough’ but, to also demonstrate similar ‘toughness’.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to act ‘tough’, instead of realizing that in living, walking, and self-directing within the equality principle – All Life Here Equal as One – there is no need to be ‘tough’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my true self expression in any moment, instead of embracing each moment as it is, without judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat others as less than equals for not demonstrating the characteristics that I had defined myself by, instead of realizing that these characteristics manifested based on memories of past experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as thoughts, feelings and emotions – none of which are ‘real’ but, are based on past memories and my perceptions of those experiences, and the opinions I formed regarding them, at the time.
I endeavor to direct myself in each moment, within the principle of ‘equality’.