I’ve written about procrastination before but, it didn’t take long for me to fall into the same old pattern – justifying in my mind that doing other, seemingly necessary tasks were more important, in the moment, than doing the task before me. Procrastination is: to put off, or delay, until a future day or time, doing something that is required to be spoken, done, or directed in this moment, here. What I didn’t realize is that, within procrastinating, I have existed/remained in the Past, instead of in the present moment, Here. Because, when I put something off to do in the future, I still carry that PAST moment – when I needed to do something – with me into the next moment, and the next, and the next, until I actually DO what I should have been self-responsible and directed myself to do when it came up.
By not directing myself in the moment, when it came up, pressure would start accumulating because I continued carrying the knowledge, of the ‘thing’ put off, with me almost constantly. That assignment, or project, that I needed to do – or, at the very least, should have started on – was right there, in the back of my mind, hanging there, a constant reminder that I needed to work on it, thereby keeping me from truly existing in the present moment. It’s not possible to be the directive principle in the current moment, while continuing to carry something from the past into that moment.
To make matters worse, I became addicted to that feeling of pressure a long, long time ago, and it has stayed ‘with’ me for many years. Of course, I could justify putting things off. I had proven to myself that I could “work well under pressure”. The pressure of a deadline, or due date, “brought out the best in me” – or so I thought. In reality, I could frantically complete whatever it was I had been putting off, well enough to ‘get by’. I could put off writing a term paper ‘til the night before it was due – sit down in front of the old manual typewriter, type out a final draft, turn it in, and get a passing grade. Granted, it would be long enough to meet the minimum requirement but, it was more about volume than content. And, as long as I passed it would reinforce – in my mind – that putting it off hadn’t hurt a thing – it ‘worked’ for me. This same habit stayed with me since grade school – the only thing changing was the kind of keyboard I used to type it out – starting with the manual typewriter, then graduating to an electric one, then to a word-processor, and finally to a computer. Of course, this same habit spilled over to other activities/tasks throughout my life.
Participating in the SRA1 course, in the Desteni I Process, has finally proved to me that procrastination DOESN’T ‘work’ for me, anymore. The course has assisted me in taking a self-honest look at myself as how I have become who I defined myself to be, and in deconstructing my thought and behavior patterns. And, within facing it, yet again, and realizing that I was existing in the past by participating within and as procrastination, I investigated/researched this behavior of mine. I knew that this habit had become a part of me – of who I was – but, I didn’t realize how prevalent it is. Volumes of research and text – literally hundreds of thousands of articles and books – have been devoted to this seemingly innocent bad habit. It was eye-opening to see the depth of my participation within it. Will it be ‘easy’ to overcome? Not likely. But, using the Desteni tools of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application, and being and becoming self-responsible and self-directive within each moment, Here, in breath, I will…
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait ‘til the last minute to complete assignments for school, from the time I was a child through adulthood.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate, by distracting myself with other activities that I had deemed important.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was ‘special’ because I could wait until the last minute to complete assignments, until there was the pressure of a deadline or due date, and still make a good enough grade.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that procrastination ‘worked’ for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as procrastination by believing that making grades that were ‘good enough’ justified waiting ‘til the last minute, distracting myself with other activities in the meantime.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this behavior into adulthood, and even now, in my current position at work, wait until the last minute to complete projects under the pressure of a deadline or due date, instead of stopping, breathing, and staying here, present in the moment, and breaking the work down into manageable tasks to be done one at a time, in breath, one breath at a time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as one who works well under the pressure, thereby justifying that definition of myself within and as procrastination.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I became addicted to the ‘rush’ of ‘performing under pressure’ because I always ‘got by’ with it, which simply reinforced procrastination as a definition of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as procrastination through my addiction to the rush of performing well under the pressure of a deadline or due date.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, because I ‘got by’ with waiting ‘til the last minute to complete assignments, I could continue to do the same within my participation in the SRA1 course, which has proven to be a course that requires a greater level of discipline than I have ever required of myself within participation in any course I have ever taken.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify putting off working on assignments/projects, instead of realizing that my addiction to the energy of the ‘rush’ of performing well when under the pressure of a deadline or due date, which I began participating within as a child and have carried over into my adult life, has simply been my own mindfuck in the development of my personality/ego definitions of myself as being ‘special’ for being able to ‘get by’ with this behavior for so long.
I realize that, for many, many years, I have participated within my accepted and allowed pattern of procrastinating – waiting ‘til the last minute – because I have always – up until now – been able to ‘get by’ with it, existing within and as addiction to the energy of the ‘rush’ of performing well under the pressure of a deadline. I no longer accept or allow myself to define myself within and as procrastination, and instead, self-responsibly direct myself to approach tasks to be done simply as tasks to be done, in breath, one at a time, breath by breath, allowing and allotting enough time to complete all ‘necessary’ tasks in a timely manner. I stop and I breathe, and I self-honestly look at what I need to do, and simply do it. And, I am patient with myself, picking myself up when I fall, as I walk this process, one breath at a time, taking responsibility for me in each moment.