I might have been 10 years old the first time I went to the dentist and, it was an emergency visit. One night I was crunching down on something and one my molars just crumbled. It had decayed from the inside out and it had just broken into pieces down to my gum. I had never experienced that much pain before. It happened on a weekend so I had to wait a couple of days before I could get in to have it pulled. For two days, my mom kept putting some kind of nasty tasting topical anesthetic on the remains of that tooth to numb it. It did take the edge off – and made the side of my tongue numb – but it never stopped hurting during those two days. I got to miss school to go in and have it pulled then, had to make an appointment to go back to get a couple of cavities filled the following week. That was when I learned that my body has a high tolerance for local anesthetics. The dentist had given me a couple of shots of novocaine then, after waiting a bit, came back and assured me that ‘this wouldn’t hurt a bit’ and started drilling. He hadn’t been drilling very long when he hit a nerve and I just about came out of the chair. He was surprised that I felt it and gave me a couple of more shots. He also told me that I’d probably always need an extra dose of anesthetic if I ever had to go to the dentist again.
One would think that after those experiences, I would have been obsessed with taking proper care of my teeth so I’d never have to go through that again. Some lessons just never ‘took’ with me, though. I‘ve never been a fanatic about brushing my teeth. I’ve always been pretty good about brushing in the morning but, not very consistent with the night-time routine. And, never more than twice in the same day. I can’t count the number of times that I have waited until a tooth broke or I had a toothache before I’d make a trip to the dentist. And even then, I’d put it off as long as I could stand it.
A little over two and a half years ago, I had had two more teeth just break off almost at my gums. I sprayed peroxide on them and was popping ibuprofen for several months – just putting off going to a dentist. I ended up experiencing some pain in the left side of my chest and that kind of freaked me out so, I went to the hospital to get checked out. It turned out that I had taken so much ibuprofen – for the tooth pain – that it had severely irritated my esophagus.
When I did get in to see a dentist, she asked me why I had put off getting in to have those teeth taken care of… I told her it was because not a single dentist I had gone to since my first experience believed me when I told them that I would require extra anesthetic. They’d say ok, and nod their head then, at some point during the procedure – drilling or whatever – I’d get this big surprise when they hit a nerve that wasn’t numb and would just about come out of the chair. Every one of them would have the same reaction too – Oh, did you ‘feel’ that? Well, what did they think that full body jerk I just did mean? Hell yeah I felt that… She assured me that they use something different now and that I wouldn’t feel a thing and, for the first time, my first time visit with a dentist wasn’t painful.
And here I sit, almost a year since my last visit, with tooth # 2 hurting like hell, thinking I should call the dentist tomorrow… But, here’s the backchat: I canceled my last regular checkup in January and never did get around to rescheduling it; I was supposed to have scheduled an appointment with an oral surgeon to have #17 pulled and still haven’t done that; and, the biggy of them all with me – it comes down to money – just like everything else… EVERYTHING has to do with money… And when it has to do with Me and Money , my back chat goes CRAZY: Oh, we still owe her some money; That’s great, didn’t plan on THIS expense; How much will THIS set us back?; etc. And, along with the back chat regarding money, is the back chat of self-judgment questioning if this pain just isn’t a manifested consequence from my not facing myself as well as my failure to write/blog as I should .
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate pain and fear with dentists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dentists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take better care of my teeth which may have prevented some of the dental problems I’ve had in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate money with dentists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the back chat of money within my secret mind whenever something out of the norm happens that entails an unplanned expense, regardless of its significance, as this is simply the result of my preprogrammed fear of survival within our current world money system which requires money to survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about money from a position of lack – fearing that I might not have enough to pay expenses or survive – due to the programming of our current money system which teaches us that money is god, determining who lives and who dies.
When and as I see myself going into fear and back chat regarding money, I stop, I breathe, and I remain stable, realizing that fear isn’t real and that the back chat/thoughts that I once existed within and as, no longer apply to who I am in self-honesty, as I prepare myself in this journey to life to stand as a co-creator of a world that’s best for all.
I commit myself to supporting the implementation of an Equal Money System, where no one will ever have to fear for their survival because every person will be guaranteed a dignified life with all of their basic needs being met.
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