Day 16: Trained to Think
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to train myself, from a young age, to ‘think’ about stuff – analyzing decisions, opinions, circumstances, actions, reactions, and other ‘stuff’ – due to being raised at a time when the generally accepted behavior of children in public or, at family gatherings, for example, was that ‘children should be seen and not heard’ and, if this forced suppression wasn’t enough, on the occasions where I might have expressed myself, my 5 older brothers’ voices proved to be louder than mine and I learned to simply defer to them most of the time, learning the art of backchat – casting judgment and expressing opinions within the confines and privacy of my own mind – until such times as it became my responsibility to express myself as circumstances/situations warranted it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in suppression-generated backchat due to years of training adhering to rules such as: don’t talk back to your parents or people in positions of authority (teachers, coaches and bosses), resulting in a pattern of getting ‘lost in thought’, keeping quiet on the outside while continuing to ‘think’ about the topic of the moment, carrying on conversations with myself in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue this pattern in relationships, where, in any confrontational situation, I have had a tendency to shut down and go into my mind – as I learned/trained myself to do when I got in trouble as a child and would have to hear a lecture and be told to ‘think about’ what I had done – existing within and as suppression and backchat, ‘thinking’ about possible outcomes and different scenarios, sometimes well after the moment has passed, thus living and staying in the past – caught up in thoughts and memories.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to transition myself from my backchat training regimen to one of gathering knowledge and information, then organizing that knowledge and information in my mind as opinions and ideas so that when I would have the opportunity or it was necessary to share my ‘thoughts’, believing that I could express those thoughts/ideas/opinions with confidence, having previously rehearsed them in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest different personality characteristics according to and dependent upon the behavior required or expected for any particular circumstance or situation, whether it be from positions of deference, confidence, responsibility or, knowledge and information.
When and as I see myself getting ‘lost in thought’ within this habit of suppression and backchat, shutting down and gong into my mind, I Stop and I breathe – I realize that I can remain here in this moment and treat others with dignity and respect as equals, to listen, respond/converse/share with another equal to and one with and as me, without suppressing myself or going into backchat. I also see, realize and understand that I have developed these patterns and personality characteristics over many years and there is no quick fix to what I’ve created and manifested as myself. Therefore, I must be patient with myself as I walk this process one breath at a time, committed to preparing myself to become a co-creator of a world that’s best for all.
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