Day 30: Partners with Cancer – Day 1 – Holy Crap!

Almost 3 months ago, my Partner told me that her doctor recommended that she go in for a mammogram.  She then disclosed that she had found a lump in her breast and asked her doctor to check it.  That was the first ‘Holy Crap’ moment…  I didn’t hear anything else she said for a few moments…

It is absolutely amazing how fast our mind can take a piece of information and run through multiple scenarios and possible outcomes.  The only thing I knew for sure – right then – was that I didn’t “know enough” and, that I needed to do some serious research.  Later that evening, found over 290 million results to first Google search for “Breast Cancer”.  Another ‘Holy Crap’ moment.

The doctor said sometimes tumors ‘like this’ were benign but, this needed to be checked.  And so it began – the processing of the cancer patient.  Mammogram scheduled for the following  week.

Considered that maybe I should wait until we get some results before I get totally immersed in doing research.  After all, if it’s some benign tumor, I will have done a bunch of research for nothing.  Then, figured what the hell – I need to ‘know’…

mammogram_buttons_600Mammogram gets done.  Result = need to do a biopsy.  OK.  Biopsy scheduled for the following Tuesday.  Waffling on the research, now…  Should I or shouldn’t I?  There’s SO MUCH information – everything from doom and gloom to rainbows and sunshine.  Choose to continue…

I take day off from work because my partner will have some restrictions – no lifting, driving, etc. – after the biopsy.  Ultrasound has to be done first so the depth can be determined for setting the biopsy instrument correctly.  After the biopsy, we’re careful the rest of the day.  Granddaughter doesn’t understand why her Nanna can’t pick her up…

The next afternoon, ‘C’ calls me at work and tells me that the Breast Center called with the results and that it IS cancer.  Another ‘Holy Crap’ moment…  Next step:  schedule appointment with surgeon – which gets set up for the following Tuesday.  And, need to have a MRI and another ultrasound done before that appointment.

Now, it’s full speed ahead with my cancer research – we have a diagnosis .

I didn’t say anything to my partner but, I was NOT looking forward to meeting with the surgeon.  After all, what do surgeons do?  They OPERATE on people.  It seemed like a long week with the anticipation.  When we met with the surgeon, he genuinely seemed to be a nice man.  He did another ultrasound in order to get another measurement of the tumor then proceeded to explain our options.  His recommendation:  complete double mastectomy, then chemotherapy, then radiation.  Holy Crap!

As implied by the title, I will be sharing my perspective of this journey with my partner – the choices and decisions we have faced thus far and, those yet to confront us.   I will also share my perspective of seeing/viewing the necessity of our being/becoming a Partner with Cancer within this process of healing my partner’s physical body.  Additionally, I will look at how a $160 billion industry has evolved as a result of capitalism’s Partnership with Cancer as well as the possibilities that the implementation of the Equal Money System proposed by Desteni will bring to cancer treatment options in the future.  So, there’s more to come…

For additional perspectives, see:

Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Four Laws of Cancer – Day 23

Day 381: Don’t Blame Me! I have a Disease!

Captain’s Log Journey to Life


Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

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Day 29: Conceptualizing my Mind Room

Change directionMuch of my world within this three dimensional existence has to do with the spatial qualities or requirements of ‘stuff’. Yes, size matters – especially when you’re involved in warehousing. So, conceptualizing this MindRoom of mine – even though it’s in the dimension of the mind – and realizing the volumes of worthless, senseless crap that I have accumulated over all these years – is a little on the overwhelming side. I’ve always been a good ‘packer’. Whether it’s packing a car/truck/trailer for a camping trip, a rental moving truck/van, a storage unit, or warehouse space, I can get a whole lot of ‘stuff’ in a limited amount of space. So, within and as this packer character, I have had this tendency to imagine my Mind Room as if it were 3D and the past couple of days I’ve caught myself fucking with myself – as thoughts in my mind – with thoughts and ideas such as: just think how much stuff I’ve packed away in this mind room; there’s so much in this mind room and the way I pack, I’ll never get through it; and, that there’s no end to it – it’s limitless…
I’m seeing this as kinda like going to a storage unit that I’ve had for years but haven’t looked in for a long, long time, opening the garage-type door and standing there looking in wondering where to start. It’s obvious that it’s full but, I can’t really tell how big it is. I didn’t keep track of everything that I put into it. There’s a hint of familiarity – I can tell that I packed it and it’s full of boxes I recognize. But, none of the boxes are labeled and I won’t have any idea what’s in each until I open it and have a look at its contents. Some of the boxes will be repacks – where I would have consolidated some smaller boxes into larger boxes so stuff would ‘fit’ better. I’ve even considered that it might be like the never-ending file drawer I’ve seen in movies (Beeltejuice & Bruce Almight) where the drawer just keeps coming and coming and coming out of this seemingly normal file cabinet, and that the more I pull out of it and go through it there will be more to take it’s place.
However, I’ve just had to stop and look at this ‘feeling’ of being overwhelmed with a little bit of common sense about how the secret mind works. I know that my mind likes being in control and really would like for me to continue being its slave – and certainly doesn’t want me to become the directive principle in my life and clean up my Mind Room. I also know that throughout my life, there are/have been patterns in how I’ve existed and, that those patterns have repeated themselves over and over and over. So, it’s not like I have to re-live every moment to clean this stuff up. As I take a self-honest, introspective look at the different patterns within which I have existed, I won’t necessarily have to look at every single moment I’ve ever existed within a given pattern. In facing self and applying self-forgiveness for my acceptances and allowances within the patterns I have walked this life – whether they have been repeated a few times or a hundred – through self-corrective application one can face a pattern head on – and transcend it – without re-living every occurrence one existed in that pattern in one’s life… I know there will be times that I time-loop and have to face a pattern more than once but, that will be because there was something about it that I missed or didn’t face in self-honesty. But, this isn’t like opening a box and assuming that I know all of the contents by glancing at what’s on top – it will require digging down into it – that self-honest introspection – and addressing it accordingly…
This will be a journey – a Journey to Life. Indeed…
Again, I highly recommend that one read the Journey to Life blogs listed under “Blogroll” here on this page and, check out the free self-perfection merchandise on EQAFE. And, if you’re ready to start cleaning up your “Mind Room” join us at the Desteni Forum to find out how – so together we can become co-creators of a world that’s Best for All.

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Day 28: Cleaning our “Mind Room”

Energy is never real

On my way home from work this evening, I was listening to the “Demons in the Afterlife – Part 13” interview – which, by the way, is yet another fabulous interview series available at EQAFE – and at one part of the interview, an analogy was made looking at our “mind” as a “room”, pointing out that the difference between this room and the room /house/apartment we physically live in is that we never clean this one up. I had to chuckle a little bit because I realized how true that is. We’ll go to great lengths cleaning, arranging and organizing, and getting rid of old stuff as we replace it with new in our physical home. But, we NEVER take the time to clean up our “mind room”. And I whole heartedly agreed to the comment that the first room a child “should be taught to clean is their “Mind Room” and within that, practically physically relate it to their own physical room – cleaning the inside and the outside equal and one”.

Really, when I stopped to consider that I’m a few months past my 58th birthday and, I haven’t ever really ‘cleaned’ my “Mind Room” and oh, what a mess it has become. Imagine going that long in your house without ever cleaning up – throwing out the garbage, or washing the dishes, or washing the windows, or sweeping and mopping the floor, or just tidying up putting things away. Can you imagine that? I mean, I’ve been alive in this physical form for approximately 21,275 days. I’ve accumulated a lot of crap in that length of time. Every thought, fantasy, memory, every opinion made, heard, seen or read, every energetic experience, every physical experience , not to mention all the brainwashing… I’ve read that every time we blink our mind is taking a snapshot. Well, we blink 12-15 times a minute – at 12 times per minute, let’s say I was only awake 16 hours a day – that’s 11,520 images my mind captured every day along with any thoughts, feelings and emotions attached to each. Multiply that by 21,275 days and that’s over 245 million images that have been stored in my mind – amongst all the other clutter that has accumulated. It’s hard to even fathom just how badly my “Mind Room” needs to be cleaned. But, that’s what this process will assist and enable me to do. That’s why it’s a minimum 7 year process for those that are consistent – which is something I haven’t been and, was kind of down on myself for not being. But, the thing is, we’re all in process in this life whether we realize it or not. We each have this life to figure this out – how to become equal and one with this physical existence – through self-honesty and self-forgiveness – instead of the energetic existence we’ve existed in within our minds. So, bit by bit, I’ll go about cleaning my “Mind Room”.

For whoever reads this, if you haven’t already, I highly recommend reading the Journey to Life blogs listed – there are so many great blogs. Also, check out the self-improvement products and interview series available at EQAFE. And, if you’re ready to start cleaning up your “Mind Room” join us at Desteni to find out how – so together we can become co-creators of a world that’s Best for All.

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World Systems Exposed

“there is one system that decides and determines via humans everything that happens to every one in this world

from communication to food to travel to education to internet to relationships to religion

everything runs on money

yet humans belief that only things that cost no money is good and valuable as inner food

how foolish – that gives all the power to the control through money

unlikely that mankind will realize this before it is too late”

Bernard Poolman 01/01/2009


“Money is the manifestation of consciousness systems in this world that exist within all of humanity as one together in this world. Money as the manifestation of consciousness systems in this world that exist within all of humanity as one together – support enslavement, support separation and support survival. Money is the manifestation of that which human beings use in this world as the manifestation of survival…

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Day 27: Doing Things My Way

At work over the years, we have established time-tested ways of ‘doing things’. So, when training someone, I like to have an experienced person training that can explain the steps of whatever task it is, to the new person, so there is a complete understanding of all the steps. There’s no doubt that some repetitive tasks can be done differently but, we teach people how to do them a certain way because we’ve tried just about every possible method to do what we do and, while the newer person might have an idea to try, we probably aren’t doing it that way because it’s simply not as efficient as the way we are currently doing it, and I have to remind the less experienced that there is a reason for every step in the process – they’ve been thought out and worked through time and time again so, we need to stick to the procedures and not deviate without prior discussion. However, I also know that sometimes a new set of eyes will see things differently so, I still encourage staff to question our methods and it’s because of their input that we’ve been able to adapt to ‘do more with less’ over the years. The workload has increased year after year while the staffing levels have stayed the same so, we can’t afford to waste time or effort.

Art by Joe Kou

I have a tendency to approach repetitive tasks at home/outside of work similar to how I approach tasks at work – trying different methods until I find the process that just seems to ‘fit’ whatever it is I’m doing or have to do – until I’m comfortable that I can accomplish whatever it is I have to do with the least amount of effort in the shortest time. I also have had this tendency to believe that my way is the best way…    Thus,

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my way’ of doing things is the best way and the way that everyone else should do them.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to question how others (partner/children/siblings) would do some things – like household chores – because they might do those things different than I might do them, even though the end result was all that really mattered.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that, outside of my work responsibilities, it’s not necessary for me to put my two cents in about the way others choose to do things – unless I’m asked – because it comes across as being controlling.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to place emphasis and value on being ‘right’ and doing things right instead of realizing that placing value on being right was simply to feed my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I have participated within and as this “being right” character for most of my life, building up my own ego and seeing myself as better than others because of this belief I had that I could see better ways to do things than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to control how others would do things as a way to boost my ego by reinforcing the idea in my mind that doing things my way is/was the best way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a superior attitude towards others when questioning them as to why they did something the way they did it or, in asking them if they had ever considered doing it differently – such as the way I would do it.

While I have been guilty of these things countless times, there have been occasions where I questioned another about the way they did something simply out of curiosity to understand their rationale behind the process – as a learning opportunity – but, due to my proclivity for questioning from a critical viewpoint, it was still interpreted as controlling – deservedly so…

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to physically react by clenching my jaw and glaring at my children/siblings when they would deliberately not do something ‘my way’ because they knew they’d get a reaction out of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to someone else’s decision on the method they chose to accomplish a task – just because it was different from how I would have done it.

When and as I see myself wanting to interject my idea as to how something should be done I stop, and I breathe, and I realize that my way of doing things isn’t the ONLY way to do things and that it isn’t necessary for me to get involved unless it directly impacts me and, that if it does, I commit myself to making myself available for input to reach an outcome that’s best for all.

I realize that within the principle of equality, that there is no need for any one person to wield control over another in any way, as each of us will dedicate ourselves to only bring to fruition those processes that are best for all.


Recommended reading:  the Journey to Life blogs, especially:   Creation’s Journey to Life ,  Heaven’s Journey to Life & Earth’s Journey to Life, among the many blogs listed, that are written by others dedicated to equality and are walking this journey.

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Day 26: Money as the Motivator…

Can money be a motivator? If one were to ask that question to millions – rather billions – around the world, there would probably be a quick follow-up question to find out “for what?”… Of course money is a motivator. It is THE motivator. (Note: the only people that would ever say that money is not a motivator already have plenty…) Money is THE motivator because it is the ONLY thing that can ensure our survival. If you’ve got it, you live. If you don’t have it, you die. And we all fit somewhere within the equation of those polar opposites within our fear for survival.

So, what about those of us that have worked most of our lives? Not at the top – but not at the bottom of that pole, we’ve been ‘out there’ – making a living – raising/supporting a family – living from paycheck to paycheck – and trying to put a little money back for a ‘nest egg’. We’ve seen pension plans disappear or be discontinued. We’ve seen the retirement age pushed back – meaning we have to work more years and retire at an older age than we ever planned on… We’ve seen people within government that are targeting programs like Social Security to be privatized so the money can disappear into the hands of the corporate banksters. And after you’ve been at it for a while, it’s easier to see how the system really works. You can see that it doesn’t matter your position, you are just like everyone else – replaceable. As much as we each want to think we’re indispensable, we know it just ain’t so… So, we keep plugging away, hoping to be able to get to retirement age and have enough in our retirement savings so we can call it quits “on our own terms” ( yeah right – that’s the free choice illusion all over again).

Some of us have been fortunate enough to have run across an organization like Desteni, who has presented the most common-sensical solution for the world’s money problems with the Equal Money System – where NO ONE will EVER have to fear for their own or anyone else’s survival. Along with that, Desteni offers the greatest self-help process to one and all – where through self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and self corrective application, we take responsibility for ourselves and our role in this physical world, and face ourselves as we lift the veil of our programming. This is not an easy process. It’s one that requires commitment and discipline. It’s one thing to “know” what needs to be done but, ‘knowing’ something and ‘doing’ it are two different things…

What I have noticed about myself, though, is that I won’t necessarily let things slide as much at work as I do at home and/or in relation to commitments I have made as far as self-support goes. Sure, in the constant juggling of priorities at work, where sometimes my priorities aren’t really MY priorities but, are things that have to be taken care of ‘out of sequence’, I may put off some things to do at a later time but, everything still has to get done by a deadline. Budgets, evaluations, reports, projects have to be completed on time. Some may get completed long before the deadline and others may be submitted literally at the last minute. But, the fact is, I get them done. So, how is it that I don’t have the same level of performance or the same consistency in relation to my own self-support within my personal process? I’ve written about procrastination, fear, blame, self-judgment and distractions – among other things – as reasons BUT, when I really look closely at the main difference between how I’m different in dealing with each, it can be brought back to MONEY. Yes, money as the motivator. Because if I don’t perform at work, and do those things I have to do – I could lose my job resulting in financial repercussions that could significantly affect the way I live. Whereas, if I don’t complete an assignment or write a blog in the time that I have committed myself to do so…well, I seem to be able to justify postponing helping myself… Thus:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat my process as though it isn’t important because there’s no money tied to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create excuses to justify postponement of my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be content within realizations that exist within myself simply as knowledge and information, instead of pushing myself to live the principle of equality in self-honesty, by forgiving myself for my participation within and as acceptances and allowances I have accumulated during my lifetime that have contributed to this world of abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more importance on the possibility of financial repercussions than on the probability of freeing myself of lifelong brainwashing and suppression that will be realized by walking this process in self-honesty, through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to waver in my direction and dedication to becoming a co-creator of a world that’s best for all, by failing to be consistent in my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my secret mind continue winning the battle and – metaphorically speaking – taking the blue pill instead of the red pill, thereby choosing submission to the system instead of walking the path to wake up and free myself from the shackles of the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to reap the benefits of self-honest self-forgiveness by sabotaging my process with excuses/justifications/reasons for continuing to exist in old patterns of abuse.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that every time I compromise myself by allowing myself to let the self-support goals of my personal life slide while I don’t allow myself to let professional goals slide, I further ingrain this Jekyll and Hyde pattern into my consciousness/personality by adding another layer of suppression that will have to be peeled away.

I realize that when I allow myself to make excuses or justifications for not completing assignments or writing when I had committed to doing so, that I present a false pretense to others within the group, because I participate as though I’m doing everything I need to be doing.

When and as I see myself considering making an excuse or justification in my mind to slack off within my process, I stop and I breathe – and I direct myself to forgive myself for any self-judgment or blame I have directed at myself, and I commit myself to making realistic, manageable goals and commitments within my process…


Recommended reading:  the Journey to Life blogs, especially:   Creation’s Journey to Life ,  Heaven’s Journey to Life & Earth’s Journey to Life, among the many blogs listed, that are written by others dedicated to equality and are walking this journey.

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Day 25: Religion and Politics – An Odd Couple

Are Religious fanaticism and political agendas compatible partners? It seems like this odd couple just keeps turning up. Of course, western media has portrayed Muslim’s association with/to jihad/terrorism and the association with Middle Eastern governments for years but, now we’re seeing the ‘God/Religion’ connection as potentially impacting the coming elections in the US. Thus, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to support and promote ideals that I had been taught as a child when I was most impressionable and didn’t consider questioning – and wouldn’t have known what to question, anyway – when I was taught that God was/is everywhere – a supreme being above all things – all powerful, merciful and all loving – that was ready, willing and able to punish his creation(s) to burn in a place called hell for eternity if they were ‘bad’ or did ‘bad’ things…

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand that most who have called themselves ‘Christians’ were/are in reality hypocrites, as a Christian, by definition, would be Christ-Like and, there is little or no evidence of any political or religious leaders that actually Live the words of Jesus as he did, to:  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you and, to love your neighbor as yourself – which is the message of equality.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that if a current political party truly had ‘Christ like’ values as the foundation of their political platform, there would be no provision for Defense spending (they would not support the idea of war), poverty and starvation would be eradicated, and every citizen would have equal access to quality education and quality healthcare, as the Party’s goals would be in line with Christ’s words – resulting in creation of a world that’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to Not see, realize and understand that politicians’ agendas are not based on the words of Jesus, as the current philosophy is to cater to the needs of the 1% – the rich corporate elite – where profit and greed are the rule of the day – and little consideration is given to the needs of the 99%, as half of the politicians in Washington D.C. are, in fact, themselves millionaires, enacting laws and supporting legislation to protect their own financial interests and that of their elite group.

I forgive myself that I have Not realized that the current money system will more than likely have to fail before the majority will admit and acknowledge that the current money system has been accepted and allowed to be and become the greatest source of inequality and abuse on the planet.

I commit and dedicate myself to supporting and sharing the message of equality and the Equal Money System, which will be/is the only viable, non-violent solution to the world’s socio-economic problems, and will prove to be the end of poverty, starvation and abuse.

I commit myself to prepare myself to become a co-creator of a world that’s Best for All.

Recommended reading:  the Journey to Life blogs, especially:   Creation’s Journey to Life ,  Heaven’s Journey to Life & Earth’s Journey to Life, among the many blogs listed, that are written by others dedicated to equality and are walking this journey.

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